Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
