My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
