Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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