I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
