So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
