Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
