I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
