The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
