ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
