Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
