:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
