if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
