Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
