theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize