I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
