Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
