the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he thought i was a dude.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
