So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
