there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
