So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
