So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
