I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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