Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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