Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
