i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
