I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
