I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
