i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
