Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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