I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
false alarm. still invincible.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
