he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
