I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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