Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
