If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We left an ass print on the piano.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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