Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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