oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you made out with another girl for some wings
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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