we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize