the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
