Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
