So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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