I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
