Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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