The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
