okay pat passed out under dana's car
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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