yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
