I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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