I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
