You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
