It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
