I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
the liver wants what the liver wants
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
