she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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