Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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