You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
