Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
