is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
