Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
