i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize