I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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