I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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