A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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